71 - in which I attempt to fire Surya

Excerpt from the Proceedings of the Chevengani Mental State Assessment Committee of the Assembly of Yeola-e, etesora 23, Y. 1556:

Lanai Kesila (presiding): Our second item of business is to determine the scope of our investigation; third will be, to determine what sources of information we shall use. Our time allotment is given us, one season, which means the deadline is atakina 23 as today is etesora 23; we can of course request of Assembly an extension if necessary. My feeling, however, is that we should proceed quickly as we have already delayed close to a season so as to allow Chevenga to finish up in Arko, and this is a matter in which the people of Yeola-e are going to want answers as soon as they can get them (assent).

Now, discussion on item two? To reiterate from the motion, it was, “to investigate the circumstances of the semanakraseye and his state of mind.” There was mention by the proposer of how help could be given, help for the semanakraseye, but the Adakri did not enter that into the final motion and no one objected that she didn’t, so it does not fall formally into our purview. Thus we have two avenues of investigation: Chevenga’s state of mind and his circumstances as related to his state of mind. Servant of Michalere.

Linasika Aramichiya: My feeling, sib gentlefolk, is that we should investigate as broadly, as fully and as deeply as is possible. We should limit ourselves nowhere. I say this because Chevenga is so influential; even in the time he was impeached, he was still incredibly influential. He has, and will have, such a great effect on the people of Yeola-e, that they deserve to know everything. I am shocked—I know we are all shocked—I thought I knew the man, as we all did, and now we find out he has kept this immense secret his whole life, even to the point of lying by omission to the people, whom he has always said are sacred to him… it’s… I mean… I have hesitated all along to say this, but all along I’ve sensed something false about him, something wrong, something dark. I’ve had that impression his whole career, and indeed from when I first met him as a boy. But it seemed no one else but a few ever noticed, and after telling myself for all these years that it must just be me imagining it, to see it confirmed like this is, frankly, stunning, and yet not surprising. So, do I want to get to the absolute bottom of it? Of course I do. That’s why I stood to be on this committee. I want to know the full truth about Chevenga and all Yeola-e wants to know it, too.

La: Servant of Thara-e-Kalanera.

Darosera Kinisil: I must concur with Linasika in that our mandate as given in the motion is very broad: his state of mind, by which must be meant every aspect of his state of mind, and his circumstances as related, by which must be meant every aspect of his circumstances as related. And I think, quite frankly, though we can of course confirm this with him, that Chevenga himself will not be opposed to a thorough and complete investigation. Linasika calls him down for keeping a secret; but we are here because he has revealed it—

Li: Only by accident! It was overheard in Arko, that’s why they found out first, that’s the only reason we know.

Da: A less-honest person would have denied, would have claimed it was misheard, would have used his power as Imperator to conceal it all. I think Chevenga recognized that the time has come for it to be known. (Crosstalk) If I may finish, sib Linasika, thank you; as I was saying I concur that we should be thorough, but I would also like to stress that I feel we should approach this not destructively towards him or his reputation, but with good will and sympathy. I think this for two main reasons: first, that I think doing so would best reflect the approach the people of Yeola-e would choose to take; and second, I think we will gain the most information this way. Where will we get our information? Either from himself, or from one or more healers, who are naturally sympathetic to him; and should we appear antagonistic, they’ll be naturally less inclined to be open. I know that the letter of the law requires full co-operation on their part; but you always do better with these things when you don’t discourage people from adhering to the spirit, as well.

†

Towards the end of three days’ assigned bed rest, when you are no longer sleeping the day away, you have much time to think, and no choice but to think if your healer won’t even let you read, being fully aware that if he does, you will pick like a buzzard through entrails through every word of the proceedings of the Committee of Assembly struck to assess your mental state. My thoughts went everywhere, as they do—into regretful bits of the past, off to worrisome aspects of the future, up into the sky in imaginings of having the bar in my hands alone, into the earth beneath the stairs of a courthouse with seeping blood—but mostly gnawed unpleasantly on what was next for me.

As usual Kaninjer checked me morning and night; now Surya was doing the same, except that he’d look at my aura instead of feeling my wrists. He’d scan all over, glance here, peer there, sometimes squint and lean in closer. What sorts of things did he see? A spot of colour here, which means such-and-such emotion? A scene over here, showing a nasty memory? I wished I could have his gift for a tenth.

But I’d had a thought, and I told him it on the evening of the third day. The next day, I was scheduled to go before the Committee for the first time.

“I am thinking I no longer have need of your services… something I should have thought of in Arko, I know, before uprooting you, for which I apologize and will pay back however I can.”

I’d thought he’d be shocked, or at least surprised, but he just looked at me mildly and said, “You’re choosing to die, then?”

“It’s not that,” I said, pulling myself up to sitting against the headboard. “It’s… you know what it is? It’s that it’s all too much about me. My life is becoming about nothing but me, which I don’t want; I just want to do my part in the world, solve the problems I can solve, and leave it at that. And too many other people are paying attention to me, as well. I won’t refuse to go before the Committee, obviously—they’re mandated by the people of Yeola-e, and the people wills—but, I am thinking, why everything else? One person doesn’t rate that much… effort.”

“Mm-hmm,” he said. “Too much of you, so you must be reduced… I see.”

“Surya, that’s not what I mean!” I wanted to get up and pace, but of course I was still under Kaninjer’s order. I settled for kicking off the covers. “It’s just… why all this fuss, for me?”

“If you were dying with an arrow in you, would you think it was too much trouble for a surgeon to extricate it so as to save your life?”

“That’s different. He’d just take two or three beads. You’ve been working on me for months… and it’s going to be months yet, true?”

He signed chalk firmly. “Maybe even longer than I thought.”

“But Surya… honestly…” I stared him in the eyes. He gazed right back. “I know of two intended deaths that I’ve slipped now… even if one was a few years old. How can I still…”

He said nothing, just came onto the bed beside me on his knees, and shoved one hand between the headboard and my back, planting the other one on my chest. There was the internal clench of the truth-hold.

“I de… I deser… I…” I let out all the air in me in one great heave of breath. “I concede the point.”

“It’s your fear talking,” he said, “now that you have no other pressing business to distract you and so can go all-out on healing.” I grabbed my forelock and clenched my eyes shut just as he was saying, “it’s natural, would be the same with anyone, I knew it would come,” then whipped my hand down again, in shame for being caught in the shame of a shame mannerism.

“As well—speaking of excessive concern for yourself at the expense of others—I wonder whether those who love you or will have need of you for one thing or another in the future would concur with this?” I clenched my eyes shut and grabbed my forelock again, and this time didn’t cut the gesture short.

“So…” I said after we’d sat in silence for a bit—at least he’d taken mercy on me and not shamed me for my shame—“I’m yours, my will relinquished still. What now?”

“You have healer’s orders already; he’s going to check you tomorrow and decide whether to let you out of bed. My guess”—he did the auric glance—“is that he will, but he’ll prescribe more aer than usual of sleep each night for a while, with which I firmly concur. Tomorrow you go before the Committee; we’ll see what arises from that.”

“A-e kras,” I said blearily, with the salute. “I can’t wait.”

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