124 - Anything can happen in life

Same time as Niku was before the Committee, being grilled on our marriage, I was before Alchaen, being grilled on how I was now, after having been tortured on the orders of Kurkas.

I couldn’t remember the first time he’d done it, on Haiu Menshir, shortly after; I knew I was much more sane now, though. That meant, of course, I’d be better at concealing things, so he had asked Surya, who had agreed, to be there too.

It was the typical run-through, “What do you feel when I do this, now when I do this, now when you think of this,” and so on, except that Surya was watching whatever Zak-esque fireworks my aura did on each one. He didn’t ooh and aah, but did scrawl copious notes.

I was a sweat-soaked quivering mass that couldn’t get up without help by the time they were done. “Well,” said Alchaen when I had lain still, breathing deeply, for long enough to be able to ask him the verdict, “you need more healing.” My life is about blinding revelations, I thought.

The Committee’s also; I knew they would request, which is to say, require—if I wanted to keep the semanakraseyesin—that I swear to undertake the further healing necessary as soon as I could. “It shouldn’t be until you are asa kraiya, by my recommendation,” said Surya. “Everything is going to look different to you then, and that will make it easier.” Being firmly rooted in Vae Arahi now, while Alchaen had to return to his practice in Arko, Surya agreed to do it.

Yet just that he had allowed me to be put through something so grueling now was a promising sign. I will see it abolished; sanity, and not just mine, lay in those words, so I clung to them.

†

Of course I wanted to march straight up to the judge’s desk and say, “I’m competent! Declare it!” Being incompetent, I could not, of course; my guardians had to speak for me. At least I could be presentable, this time; I dressed in the best I had that was understated, and let Skorsas fuss over my hair until he somehow managed to make the half-long cut look good.

As is often true, extricating me was more complex than constraining me had been, since all the judge had really needed to do for that was find out I didn’t oppose it. Now she had to reassure herself that she wouldn’t end up with my blood on her hands as a result of her ruling.

The first thing she wanted to know was why my spouses (in truth, Surya) were asking that I be deemed competent again so soon after she’d ruled me incompetent; if I’d been in such a severe way, why were they back to release me only half a month later, or nine days, in truth, since that was when they’d filed?

Wisely, she called up Surya to grill him on this; wisely, in his first answer he emphasized his credentials heavily, before explaining that it had been a crisis of revelation. It was reassuring to me, as well as her, when he said with his typical certainty that there was no further aspect of the memory, or further incident I’d suffered, that was even similarly severe. We’ve mined it to the base?

Of course then she asked, if he could see inside my soul with such accuracy, why he had not foreseen that I’d try to kill myself when I remembered. You underestimate your wall-scaling semanakraseye, Honoured Judge, I thought. Unflappable as ever, he answered, “I actually did foresee it, Honoured Judge, and for that reason I assigned the guards to him who intervened in the attempt.”

Next she called up Omonae Shae-Lemana to represent the Committee, who demurred from saying whether he or the Committee agreed with Surya, but told her the Committee’s confidence in Surya was entire. I thought I saw a sour look on Linasika’s face (of course he was there again) so perhaps they hadn’t voted on this.

Then she called me up. No paraphrase of mine could do justice to the steely sweetness of what she did to me, so I borrow the transcript, from right after I was sworn, and just add notes.

HJ: Chevenga, are you going to kill yourself?

Che: (I stared at her, taken aback by the bluntness of it, and blurted out:) No.

HJ: Why not?

Che: (I understood her tactic: if she flustered me enough with bluntness I might be more honest than I intended.) I… I don’t want to.

HJ: Not at all?

Che: No, Honoured Judge.

HJ: When was the last time you did want to?

Che: … It was… bear with me. (It was hard, counting back through that blur of days.) It would have been about ten days ago.

HJ: But not now.

Che: No, not now.

HJ: Why the change of heart?

Che: I… I formed an intention… which, to fulfill, I have to be alive.

HJ: You want to stay away from specifics because this is something personal to you?

Che: Yes, and because that intention might be frustrated if I reveal it too soon.

HJ: How strongly resolved are you to fulfill that intention?

Che: It’s something that I plan to do.

HJ: So, you would say, you are entirely committed to it?

Che: I… I don’t think anyone could feel more compelled to do something than I do, this.

HJ: So, you’ve altered your… the direction of your emotion in regard to this experience, from self-destructive to… corrective, in some way, with at least the same degree of intensity, and that has negated the urge to death?

Che: Yes, exactly, Honoured Judge. You put it very well.

HJ: Surya described that urge as being the result of the memory regained of an extremely painful event in your life; would you concur?

Che: Yes.

HJ: So the thought or the notion of that event no longer raises the urge in you towards death?

Che: Yes, it does not.

HJ: What feelings does it raise?

Che: It’s still… there is still pain, and fear, and shame, and sadness.

HJ: But nothing you can’t endure?

Che: No, nothing I can’t endure.

HJ: Are you continuing to take treatment from Surya?

Che: Yes.

HJ: Surya told us that people often recover fast from such crises either because the state passes naturally, or because they are being effectively aided. Which would you say it was in your case?

Che: Being effectively aided—well, perhaps a bit of both. But I have certainly been effectively aided.

HJ: Chevenga, can you say with certainty that you will never make another suicide attempt?

Che: I… not with absolute certainty. I think one can never be absolutely certain… anything can happen in life. I think it’s probable, however, that I won’t.

(It was the truth, but not good enough for her.)

HJ: Well, I am going to ask you to strengthen your resolve on that, but first, tell me this: should the urge come over you again, what do you intend to do?

Che: …I don’t know. I haven’t planned for that.

HJ: What do you think it would be best to do, to prevent yourself from carrying it through?

Che: (I thought for a bit, asked myself, ‘What would I advise someone else?’) Go to someone else… preferably a healer but failing that, anyone of maturity and good will.

HJ: Is that all?

Che: (Here I drew a blank, from, as far as I could tell, nervousness.) …Beyond that… I am not sure.

HJ: Surya Chaelaecha, briefly, please stand: what would it be best for Chevenga to do in this case, once he’s told a person of maturity and good will that he’s feeling the urge toward death?

Su: To do whatever that person says. (He fixed me with his eyes.) It is as I’ve always said; if your own decisions are going to lead to your death, you aren’t qualified to make them, and they should be given to someone else.

HJ: Thank you, Surya. Now, Chevenga, I will grant the request made of me today to release you and your guardians, on the condition that you swear here before me two oaths: first, that you will not attempt to kill yourself again, and second, that in the event that the urge comes over you again, you will do what you and Surya have just set out. Do you agree to that?

Che: Yes, Honoured Judge. (Whatever I felt, how could I say no to this?)

HJ: Chevenga Aicheresa, as you hold in your hands your own crystal and the crystal of the Court, and in the worldly witness of the people of Yeola-e as represented by this Court, and the spiritual witness of All-Spirit, we ask that you swear that you will never again by your free will make an attempt to end your own life.

Che: I swear I will never again by my free will make an attempt to end my own life, second Fire come if I forswear.

HJ: Chevenga Aicheresa, as you hold in your hands your own crystal and the crystal of the Court, and in the worldly witness of the people of Yeola-e as represented by this Court, and the spiritual witness of All-Spirit, we ask that you swear that, in the event that you are seized by the inclination to end your own life, that you will immediately inform another person, preferably a healer but failing that, any person of maturity and good will, that you are feeling it, and you will then do as that person advises.

Che: I swear that, in the event that I am seized by the inclination to end my life, that I will immediately inform another person, a healer if possible but failing that, any person of maturity and good will, and I will then do as that person advises, Second Fire come if I forswear.

Scribe: Honoured Judge, he changed the wording slightly.

HJ: It’s close enough. Thank you, Chevenga; you may leave the chair of testimony. Given what I have heard here today, and in accordance with the request of the spouses and the healers of Chevenga Aicheresa, I hereby reverse my ruling of etesora 66 1556, declare him legally competent and release from the obligation of guardianship his spouses and the healers Surya Chaelaecha and Kaninjer of Berit.

[Sounding of the bell; Court adjourned.]

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